Romance is a Battlefield
by statefarmsnake
Summary: Contains Red x Zim. Red has been conflicted for the past couple of days and realizes that he might hold affections for Zim. He later confronts Zim about it and they try "being together". Though... someone else likes Zim as well and is willing to fight for them.
1. Chapter 1

Romance is a Battlefield

Red sat at the table, only his arm keeping his head from slamming down hard onto the surface. He was bored, yet… his conflicted thoughts managed to keep him entertained as he stared at the blank computer screen. It was another eventless day and the excitement was dimming down from the past few weeks of constant invasion. Now all Red got to do was sit and do nothing, hoping that someone, anyone, would send him a transmission just to keep him busy. But… nothing.

At this point, he was willing to blow something up just so that tension could rise up again. Though… he wasn't prepared to blow up a piece of his own ship. That would just cause an amazing amount of chaos, something that he would not want to clean up on his own.

"What are you thinking about?" someone mumbled beside him. Red looked up at Purple. There was a doughnut stuffed into his mouth, and it looked like he was prepared to eat another one, though he stopped himself. "What are you thinking about?" he asked again, his mouth clearer the second time around.

"Don't worry about it," Red said. He let out a heavy yawn. "It's nothing important." In reality, what Red was thinking about wasn't truly important, yet it continued to haunt every fiber of his brain.

It was about romance, in truth. He didn't want to admit it to anyone, especially since he was raised purely to know that romance and love was taboo. That romance is a battlefield where everyone loses in a pit of their own blood. That's what he thought when he was a smeet and a student in the Academy. Yet, now that he was an Almighty Tallest, second-in-command only to The Brains, he felt much freer to have unusual thoughts like these.

And yet, how much freedom was too much. He was an Almighty Tallest. Shouldn't he be a role model?

"Well, whatever it is, it's clearly bothering you," Purple said. "You have that face, you know. It's not the bored face, it's the 'I'm going to blow something up soon if I don't feel better' face."

"If you know so much about me, then why don't _you_ tell me what I'm thinking," Red said.

"Is it really that bad?" Purple asked.

"I can't describe it…" Red said. "Besides, you do the same thing. I know you do."

"Yeah, but you know what I do?" Purple lifted up his bag of doughnuts and said, "Instead of brooding on it like you do, I just grab a bunch of doughnuts and I feel so much better about myself."

Red blinked, continuing to keep his eyes on Purple. He wanted to say something snarky, but he knew that Purple didn't deserve that. He actually felt that he needed to express his thoughts, Purple would definitely be the one to do so. "Give me the bag."

Purple smiled and happily obliged, allowing his bag of doughnuts to go onto the table before sitting down across from Red.

Red took a hand-full of doughnuts and stuffed it into his mouth before letting it sink down with a bit of his irken cola.

Purple chuckled and ate a few more doughnuts himself. "So, are you going to tell me what's on your mind? Or are you just going to continue to sit here in awkward silence."

Red thought for a moment, then said. "You first."

"Alright, fine. But you better promise that you'll speak up after this. What I'm about to tell you is really… strange, so I deserve a good story."

"Fine," Red responded.

Purple nodded. He scratched at his left eye before bluntly saying, "I've been thinking about that… love junk stuff. Especially after what we saw last week."

"A couple of irkens kissing, which prompted others to do the same?" Red asked. "That image will be permanently branded into my mind. They're going to be scolded and made fun of for the rest of their lives, and I of course threw in an insult or two."

"I did, too," Purple said. "But…"

"It got you thinking, too?" Red asked, revealing his thoughts.

"Yeah…"

"Romance is a battlefield," they both said at the same time. They chuckled at the thought. They took the same class together and remembered the way their professor said it. So dignified and snarky, almost as if he was an expert on the subject. Though, he insisted that he was never a part of any romantic situation ever in his life. Red and Purple never believed him.

"My problem is that I feel like there's something I don't get about it," Purple said. "I know what I like and I know what I dislike. If so many species indulge in such a thing as love, then why are irkens so against it?"

"We're invaders, that's why," Red said proudly. "Our primary objective is galactic conquest. Something tells me that love can only get in the way."

Purple chuckled. "I love it when you sound so dignified. It's funny."

"I have to be dignified," Red said with a sigh. "It's a part of being a Tallest."

"Yes, but we can have our fun," Purple said. "Remember when you were fun?"

"Remember when you were fun?" Red retorted.

Purple raised his hands innocently. "Fine, fine. If you don't want to talk to me right now, I get it. I'll be taking my doughnuts." Purple grabbed the bag and started to leave.

"Purple, wait," Red said. "I didn't mean it like that."

"Forget about it, Red," Purple said. "Take a day to cool down, alright? Shoot an irken into space for no reason. Grab a cup of coffee. Pummel Zim. You know… the fun things we used to do."

Red wanted to respond, but Purple was too far away and he didn't want to yell. He sighed. "Yeah, he's right," he whispered to himself. He looked up at his computer screen again, then down to the irkens controlling the whole ship. He knew that they couldn't hear Red and Purple's conversation. After a small… incident, they made sure of that.

Red stood up and yelled out, "Send a transmission to Zim on Earth and relay it over to my private quarters."

"Yes, my Tallest," one of the irken controllers said before pressing a few buttons to start a transmission with Zim.

Red began to walk back to his room, which was close to the bridge. He stepped inside and closed the door, awaiting the transmission that would hopefully start soon. Red knew that he wanted to unwind, and he figured that Zim would be the best candidate for the job. Though, not in the traditional sense.

After a few moments of impatient waiting, Red finally saw Zim's face pop up on his screen. He saluted like he normally did with a big smile on his face. "Hello, my Tallest. What glorious thing do you need from Zim?"

"I need a little bit of time with you, Zim," Red said. "I think there are a few things that we need to discuss."

"Oh yes, my Tallest," Zim said. "I have a _diabolical_ plan to get rid of the _stupid _humans, but it can wait some time so that I can talk with you, my Tallest." He gave a solemn grin. "What is it that you would like to talk about?"

"I don't mean now," Red said. "I would like to go to Earth and talk to you in-person. Can we have that arranged?"

Zim simply froze. Red thought that he might've killed him… which would've been somewhat ironic. Though, Zim finally spoke up, a clear sense of excitement in his voice. "Oh, yes, yes, my Tallest. You are absolutely welcome to come to Earth whenever you like. I'll drop anything and everything for you to come stay in my base. I'll make you some of your favorite treats for your and Tallest Purple's arrival. It'll be the special day where I can show you my plans for destroying the Earth and offering its resources to you."

"Fine, I look forward to it," Red said nonchalantly. "But Purple will not be joining us, and we will not be talking much about invasion business."

"Oh?" Zim asked, confused. "Then what could we possibly talk about?"

"You'll see," Red said. "Expect me in a couple of days. I expect you to transmit schematics for a human disguise to my personal Voot cruiser."

"Yes, my Tallest," Zim said. "I'll give you plenty of choices so that you can pick your most favorite." Zim gave a soft giggle, though he got rid of it since he knew he had to be professional.

"Whatever, see you in a couple of days," Red said. He shut off the transmission before he could give any hints to his true intentions. He didn't want to believe it himself of what he was about to do, but he would go mad if he didn't act on his thoughts. They've been plaguing him for several days.

"Romance is a battlefield," Red whispered to himself. "And I've been in a battlefield ever since I was created. That's what makes me an irken."

Red took his Voot cruiser and rode it to Earth at maximum speed. Even with that, it still took him roughly two days to get to the planet.

Along the way, Zim followed up on his orders and sent Red twenty schematics for different human disguises. Though, each disguise was a slight change in wig, outfit, and human eye color. Otherwise, the concept was exactly like Zim's. Red sighed and chose a simple schematic with a black wig, long grey shirt, and black pants. Red asked Zim about it. 'They're the social norm on this planet,' Zim responded. 'Those clothes are what are considered hip and cool.'

Red looked at the full-body mirror in his cruiser and posed for himself. He wasn't particularly fond of the style, though he knew he was a bit biased since he wore his uniform at all hours other than when he goes to his room to relax. Though, he had to admit that the clothes were far more comfortable than his uniform, giving his body room to breathe. Every time he saw his bare back, he would see marks embedded into his skin due to his tight torso piece.

After finalizing his disguise choice, he slowly landed onto Earth near Zim's coordinates. He put on a cloaking device around his ship and landed in Zim's yard. He instructed Zim to clear any obstructions, so the gnomes were properly stored underground.

Red stepped out of his ship and looked around. It was the middle of the day, which meant other humans were already outside doing their own thing. Though, they didn't seem to pay him any mind, so he didn't care too much. He went up to Zim's door and simply opened it. He didn't feel like knocking.

"Zim?" Red asked.

"Oh, you're here!" Zim exclaimed as he ran out of the kitchen. He was wearing a white apron that said "Best cook" on it and two red cooking mittens. "I was _just_ in the middle of baking you some delicious pastries that you can munch on while we talk. They should be finished shortly."

Red looked up and down Zim's and almost chuckled to himself. He looked silly, and... 'And what?' Red thought to himself. And the irken version of adorable, he thought. How was that possible? "Yes, very good. I… I… I need a moment to myself. Give yourself some time to finish your… cooking."

"Oh yes, my Tallest," Zim said, giving a goofy smile. "Are you unwell, may I ask? Your face is looking to be a bit of a darker green."

Red put a hand on his head and noticed that he was heating up a bit. He was getting noticeably flustered, and this was frustrating to him. "No, I'm fine. Just get out of the room for a second."

"Yes, my Tallest," Zim said, saluting before returning to the kitchen.

Red sat down on the couch and relaxed for a second. "You're such a coward. A big, tall, handsome coward," Red whispered to himself. "Can't even ask a simple question for curiosity's sake without getting embarrassed. Just go in there and tell him. He's a curious irken, too. He'll get it." Red left out a heavy sigh. "And now I'm talking to myself. Is there an end to this madness?"

Red quickly stood up from the couch and walked over to the kitchen. The smells on the inside were entirely intoxicating since there were fresh muffins on the counter. Red's favorite kind, a strange irken flavor.

"Feeling better, I hope," Zim said. "I prepared all of your favorites, just as I remembered them."

"Yes, yes, thank you," Red said, impressed that Zim knew so much about him. "Listen, Zim. Just drop what you're doing right now. I don't care anymore. I need to say something to you."

"It sounds like it's of grave importance. Say it quickly. Say it to _Ziiim_."

"Romance is a battlefield!" Red quickly said, clearly not thinking about it. "I-I mean, you're romantic, Zim. No! I like you, Zim!"

Zim blinked, moving his listening from one phrase to the next, making sure that he got everything he said correctly. "Mmm?" Zim mumbled. "You like, Zim? Perhaps you mean as an invader above all else."

"No, Zim," Red said. "You know exactly what I mean."

"But, my Tallest," Zim said. "Isn't it taboo for affections to be exerted by an irken?"

"If I told you I didn't care, would you still believe that?"

Zim blinked. "Uuuum… I will follow anything you say, my Tallest. I guess I don't know what to do in response to this. I would be a lying irken if I said I haven't had dreams to once hold the affections of my Tallest."

"Zim, just stop with the formals for a second," Red said. "Talk to me like you would talk to anyone else."

"I doubt you would like that," Zim said.

"Try me," Red said.

"Oh… okay," Zim said. "As you wish, my Tallest." He swallowed and cleared his throat. "Zim will _never _hold his affections for anyone," he yelled. "Not even you, Red."

Red approached Zim, almost satisfied that someone had actually talked down to him. It was a nice change to his normal routine. "That's a good start, Zim. Keep at it."

"Eeeh," Zim thought for a moment. "Zim refuses to be held down. Even your leadership cannot control me."

"Yeah? This can." Red slowly connected his head with Zim's head. It was affectionate and yet it was dominating. He wanted to try something entirely different and he was liking it. "Yell at me again."

"Uh-… uh, I can't," Zim said. He was getting clearly shy at this point.

"Really, now?" Red asked. "Then perhaps my entire trip here was a waste."

"No, no!" Zim exclaimed. "No, no. I can think of something. Um… I bet you would make a _terrible_ lover."

"Oh? I'm going to have to prove you wrong then, Zim."

"How do you propose you're going to do that?" Zim asked, legitimately curious.

"Let's start with this," Red said as he leaned forward and planted a small kiss on Zim's lips. That was the first thing that he saw the irkens do when they were affectionate with each other. As he continued it for a moment, he was a bit confused as to why people enjoyed it so much. He figured it would make him feel really good like he was told, but it was just incredibly awkward. He separated the kiss and eventually said, "That didn't mean anything to you, did it?"

"From you? It was very special," Zim said. "Anything is special from an Almighty Tallest."

"Be honest with me," Red said.

Zim looked away. "It was gross. I felt gross doing it."

Red groaned as he walked away. "This is so stupid! Why am I doing this?"

"If you'll allow me my Tallest, may I ask why you wanted to do this?" Zim asked. "It seems like something that even you wouldn't attempt."

"Curiosity is a terrible thing, Zim," Red said. "If you ever get infected with curiosity, you should just take off your PAK and waste away."

Zim shivered a bit, not even wanting to take about it. "Okay, fine. But… what will you do about it, my Tallest?"

"Well, first you're going to stop calling me your tallest," Red said. "The formalities are just stupid right now. Second… I don't know. I came all of this way just for a lousy kiss and an attempt at romance. Why would I ever do that for so little?"

"May I suggest something?" Zim asked.

"It better be a good suggestion."

"If I'm feeling down and I would want to do something with someone else… I'd go into a random building, kick every last human out, and blow it up and watch it _burst_ into flames." Zim laughed with his normal diabolical laugh before eventually calming down. "Doesn't that sound _fun_, my Tal-… Red?"

Red thought for a moment, then nodded his head. "Yeah, Zim. That sounds like a _lot _of fun."


	2. Chapter 2

Romance is a Battlefield

Chapter 2

Red and Zim went out during the night in their human disguises. They figured that they could get the most done if a bunch of humans weren't watching their every move.

Red tugged at his pants as he tried to get comfortable in them. He wished he could wear the generic invader uniform like Zim could since it seemed a bit more comfortable, but he felt that his disguise was more formidable for the situation. He _still_ didn't believe that Zim could manage to look so much like himself and yet pass off as a human with green skin. "Where are we going?"

"There's a place in the middle of town that holds many of the human's merchandise centers. I had a rough encounter there a little while ago and I think it is time to pay them a visit again."

"Wait, if you had a rough encounter there, wouldn't it be better for you to stay away if they already recognize who you are?" Red asked. "Seems like basic logic to me."

"Oh, I've been studying this facility for a long time," Zim said. "I plan to destroy it from the inside-out, and then the humans will no longer have any places to get their merchandise, showing them that the irken empire means business."

"I… guess that makes… no sense," Red said, rolling his eyes. "But we're out here to blow something up."

"And that's what we plan to do, Red," Zim said. "I'm so _excited_ that you get to see Zim do what he does best, which is wreak havoc and cause utter chaos."

"Trust me, I already saw enough of that happening on Irk," Red said, sighing. "But let's just ignore that for now. What's the plan?"

"It's a simple one." Zim relayed the plan to Red as they made it to the mall. It was exactly the same as Zim had left it, though he knew that he would have to try for a different tactic than walking through the front door. That's why he studied the schematics and understood the ventilation system. He went to the side of the building and saw one of the lower shafts. "Watch and be amazed." He brought out his PAK legs and shot lasers in order to unhinge the grate that blocked the entrance to the shaft. "Can you give Zim a little boost?"

Red almost thought that Zim sounded cute when he said that, but he shook the thought almost immediately. He grabbed Zim and lifted him up almost like he was some kind of child in the arms of his father. After placing him in the vent, Red went in after him and they began crawling.

Zim remained quiet, trying not to raise alarm to his old security guard 'friend'. He went in a very distinct path: left, right, left, left, right, until Zim felt comfortable stopping. "I think this is it. Do you have the signal rats?"

Red nodded. He brought out a small box with a bunch of rats in them. They were little just rats with a little antenna attached to their stomachs with a bit of Scotch tape.

"Alright, set these little vermin free and they'll roam around the entire place. We'll wait a little bit of time, then we'll exit, then we'll throw the switch and KABOOM!" Zim quickly covered his mouth, though no one was coming their way. "Alright, let's do this quick."

Red flipped over the box and the rats began to scurry back into the mall. He then slowly turned himself around (though, it was difficult. He's so tall!) and began heading out of the vent. As he did so, he jumped out and slowly got Zim out as well. They went over to a safer area and Zim brought up a few camera screens using a tablet that he stored in his PAK.

"You have camera signals, ventilation schematics, destructive rats, and a map to the whole place," Red said. "Wow, you actually thought this one through."

"Zim _always_ thinks his very elaborate plans through," Zim said. "Now that the Dib-human isn't getting in the way this time, it gives me plenty of freedom to do anything to this filthy place." He let out a small laugh. He looked down at his tablet and kept track of his rats. Thankfully, they were scurrying around rather than moving around in packs. Many of the main areas were covered and that was good enough for Zim. "Ready for this?"

"Oh, I am absolutely ready for this," Red said, a devious smile on his face.

Zim pulled out the device with the button on it and asked, "Would you like to do the honors, Red? I think you deserve it."

Red couldn't help but smile. He loved Zim's loyalty, even if it could get a little annoying at times. "Let's do it together."

Zim returned the smile and put the device in between them. They each positioned a finger over the button.

"1…" Red called.

"2…"

"3…" They each pressed the button at the same time and looked at Zim's tablet as the Earth began to shake when the explosions began to go off. They tried to keep themselves as stable as possible as the tremors got bigger and bigger.

The explosions didn't penetrate the outer walls, but they weren't supposed to. Zim didn't want everyone to see the damage right away. Once the dust cleared, only three cameras remained, and they each gave a great view of the damage that was caused.

Columns were toppled over, many shops were in pieces, and the main hallway was no longer recognizable. The zombies that used to roam the halls were now truly dead and no longer walking. Zim let out a large laugh and Red couldn't help but join in. This was the most fun that he's had since he was an irken elite. He didn't ever get the personal honors to blow something up like that.

"Oh, this is amazing!" Red exclaimed, extending his arm to bring Zim in closer. "Did you see that? It's completely destroyed now!"

Zim let out a quick yelp as Red brought him in. Though, he couldn't help but smile. "I'm glad that you are pleased, Red. I didn't realize that you would be so excited. I assumed you've seen explosions that are at least ten times the magnitude of this one."

"Yeah, but I don't get to set them off," Red said, starting to act a bit childish. "When you're stuck on that blasted ship for so long, you wonder what it's like to actually do something yourself. You have no idea how excited I am right now." He brought Zim into his chest.

Zim hit with an oof, but then rested it gently on his chest. "I'm happy that you're happy, my Tallest. I don't believe I have ever seen you this elated before. It makes me want to do it some more. Maybe blow something up with so much more mass just to make you proud of Zim! I can offer it to you with a billion snacks."

Red looked down at Zim, smirking all the while. "I would like that a lot. You're really loyal, aren't you Zim?"

Zim put his hands on his hips proudly. "I am loyal to only the best irkens in this galaxy. I don't see why I wouldn't be to someone of your magnitude, Red. You're extra special in Zim's heart."

"Good answer," Red said, maintaining his sturdy poise. He went down onto one knee and brought Zim's head up. They got their lips leveled together before they were eventually connected. This kiss was a whole lot different than it was before. This time they were both prepared for it, and this time it seemed like they both enjoyed it. Eventually, Red ended the kiss, the spark still going even after their lips stopped touching. "How was that now? Was it still gross?"

Zim put a hand behind his head. It was clear that there a slight dark green blush going across his face, even in the darkness. "Perhaps it isn't as gross as I first thought it would be. I would be… okay with doing it again if you don't mine, Red. It was perhaps… decent."

"You look so cute when you're flustered," Red said, chuckling. He knew that would make Zim upset, but he couldn't help himself.

Zim let out a half-growl. "Zim is _not_ cute."

Red backed-off a bit. "Alright. I'm just messing with you."

Zim looked back up at Red's face, frowning a bit. It was an innocent face that even Red has never seen before. "So… what do you want to do now? I can grab more detonators and we can destroy more stuff while the night is still upon us."

"Maybe later," Red said. "I think we've done enough damage. I want to get here early enough to see what the humans think of their newfound building. I want to see the look on their faces as they think of another place to shop for their precious goods."

Zim let out a soft laugh, which for him, wasn't that soft. "Oh, yes, Red," Zim exclaimed. "That sounds like a brilliant plan. I always enjoy the insolence of human stupidity. They won't know what hit them and they'll struggle to develop a solution to their problem. I love it."

"Me, too," Red said. "Now, let's go back to your base. You said that you were cooking pastries and I'm pretty sure that I want to start eating them."

Zim looked up at Red, pleased. "Oh, they are most delicious, Red. I have been practicing my baking skills by developing irken-human techniques. I think you'll be delighted by how great they taste."

"I look forward to it," Red said with a faint smile.|||

Red and Zim returned to Zim's base and decided to sleep it off. Red saw no need in sleeping in the same bed as Zim, so Zim offered Red his own bed while he slept on the couch. As Red laid his head down on the pillow, he contemplated on what had happened that day. Only earlier that week, he was on the Massive, and now he was here. He had just kissed Zim twice in one day and was feeling a sense of… pleasure with Zim.

"That's a lot to take in," Red whispered to himself as he turned himself on the bed. He found himself constantly fidgeting in the middle of the night. 'What would the Brains think of what I'm doing?' Red thought to himself. 'What would Purple think of me? Especially after the conversation we had before I left… he would probably think I went nuts. Got defective like Zim.'

Red tried to sleep it off. Other than all of the negative thoughts, he was actually a bit happy. He felt especially rebellious with the thought of going against the Irken Empire for once instead of enforcing the many intense rules. That's when he realized how many rules that there were. He felt like he was breaking so many… though his entire life was surrounded by rules. Rules that were meant to be broken.

Red immediately felt better after thinking that. He considered himself to be somewhat righteous for making that realization. When he returned to the Armada, perhaps he could lighten his rule on certain aspects. Maybe throw one or two less irkens out of the ship every day for even defying the smallest of rules.

The following morning, Red woke up early to the smell of sweet pastries. He wondered if it was the same smell from Zim's cooking yesterday, but these ones smelled entirely fresh. He climbed out of bed and put on his casual irken clothing, a tight red shirt and rubber pants, before riding the elevator down to the ground floor.

The scents grew more and they almost swept Red off of his feet. He was used to the common and bland cooking from the Armada that he almost forgot that there was any other types of food in existence.

Red made it around the dark house. A single light was on and there was no sunlight shining in since it was still very dark outside. He entered the kitchen and noticed Zim on top of his counter as he tried desperately to reach some flour on the top shelf. Since Red was much taller, he managed to grab it with ease and handed it to Zim.

"Oh, thank you, Red," Zim said as he struggled to climb down from the counter. "I'm sorry, did I wake you from your sleep with the scents of my tasty pastries? I wanted to get a head start since we wanted to see the reaction of the destruction we did."

Red shook his head. "Yeah, they did wake me up, but I don't mind. You ought to know that I don't sleep much to begin with. Being a Tallest basically any form of regular sleep schedule."

Zim nodded before bringing himself back to the stove. He took the muffins out of the oven and placed them on the counter. "I can understand that, Red. You have very important duties to deal with and many annoying irkens to do them with. I'm sure it must keep you up at night."

"Trust me, it does," Red said. 'Even with you sometimes,' Red thought to himself, though there was no way that he would actually say that out loud. He eyed the muffins and was tempted to grab them, but knew better. He knew what intense heat felt like before: a muffin straight out of the oven. So he decided to wait patiently while talking with Zim about something unimportant. He wasn't really paying attention, because there was a strange siren going on in the background.

His ears perked up as it got louder and louder and colors of red and blue flashed through Zim's windows before eventually fading away into the distance. "What was that?" Red asked.

"Human police services," Zim said as he pulled out the last batch of muffins. "I've never had any trouble with the likes of them. They are no stronger than the weakest irken elite and they have served no purpose in actually protecting their blessed planet."

"I see," Red said. "I didn't expect much from pathetic humans."

"And you shouldn't," Zim said. "And now that I think about it, since there are sirens, then there must be trouble. It could be that our damage was discovered."

"Are you certain about that?" Red asked.

Zim shrugged. "No, but I always like to follow the sirens. See what the humans are up to. It _is_ one of the main ways that an invader studies its prey, right?"

Red nodded. "I guess you're right. So… follow the police?"

"Follow the piece," Zim said. "GIR! Put on your doggy disguise. We are departing _at once_!"

GIR came running in. He was already in his disguise. He may have been stupid, but at least he had some sense of loyalty. "I dreamt that I was in a _biiiiig _'ol lollipop. It was _tasty_."

"SIR units can dream?" Red asked.

"Don't listen to him… you should know very well of his… intelligence. In fact, I'm still waiting to see how… advanced this unit is, as you said."

Red blinked. "Oh, it's advanced alright. It has advanced stupidity."

Zim let out a small, delighted laugh. "Oh, Red. You can be so funny. Let's go." Zim started marching out of the house and Red and GIR followed closely behind.

Red went to Zim's side as they walked to where the sirens were still blaring and the lights were still going. It wasn't very far and it was clearly in the direction of the mall, so Red and Zim felt confident that their dirty work paid off.

Red looked at Zim for a moment and then finally asked, "Can I ask you something out of curiosity?"

"Of course," Zim said. "What are you curious about?"

"You've been on Earth for a long time," Red said. "Do you… like it here or something? Or have your plans been legitimately failing all of this time?"

Zim looked down, connecting his hands together. "Zim has been trying his best," he said. "But I will admit that I have gotten nicely acquainted with some of the human culture and it might be strange if I went back to Irk right away."

"… Interesting answer," Red said. "I always had the fear that if I sent an invader away, that he might get adapted to the culture of the planet that they were trying to invade and just end up staying there. I feared that of Invader Larb on Vort. He surprised Purple and I in the end."

"An invader getting adapted to a planet that had plenty of military defense and offense," Zim said. "I can see how that could backfire."

Red nodded. "So, if given the option, would you stay here or would you return to Irk?"

"I would attempt to finish my mission and conquer the Earth for you," Zim said.

Red really wanted to say to Zim that his entire mission was a lie and that he'd be wasting his time, because there would be no way that Red could possibly convince Purple to allow Zim the privilege. What could he say without revealing his true intentions? "Good answer," he eventually said.

The two of them remained silent until they reached the mall, which was surrounded by bright lights and people in several different uniforms. Zim and Red blended in the environment and tried to hear as many details as they could.

One cop said, "The mall night guard was caught in the blast. I don't think he survived." This made Zim smirk. 'Serves him right,' he said.

Another cop sniffed the air and covered his air. "Rumor has it that there are a bunch of zombies in this mall. The crazy night guard was trying to make an army or somethin'." The rumor remained a rumor until eventually a few firemen dragged out a few zombie-like creatures from the wreckage. Many of them were in several pieces and there was no way that they would be reanimated. Seeing this made a couple of the cops incredible uncomfortable and one nearly vomited. Rumor confirmed.

Zim and Red felt so pleased with their dirty work and they wanted to stick around to hear some of the other findings. But then one of the cops walked over to their hiding spot and said, "What are you two snickering about?"

"Oh… nothing," Red said. "We're checking out the damage."

"Yes, yes. The damage. It is saddening to hear of the loss of the crazy lunatic guard that worked in there," he lied. "He'll be missed."

"Yeah, yeah," the cop said. "Why don't you two beat it? We're trying to investigate and we don't want any onlookers."

Red's leadership instincts kicked in and he crossed his arms. "I don't think I like your tone with us. We can watch if we want to watch."

The cop grabbed his baton and waved it in front of Red and Zim.

Since Red and Zim were in disguise, they couldn't afford to fight the cop in front of other policemen. They backed-off and said, "Or we can leave." They then left the scene.

"Geez. On Irk, people were invited to check out the wreckage," Red said. "Where's the fun of telling people to 'beat it'?"

"They're more concerned with who did it than the entertainment," Zim said.

"Should we be concerned with that?" Red asked.

"No," Zim said. "These humans are too stupid to understand anything about evidence. Besides, all of the cameras were destroyed from the blast."

Red nodded as they walked back to Zim's base. When they returned, they were a bit concerned because there was a figure on Zim's lawn. He was sitting on one of the gnomes. Since it was so dark, Red and Zim barely saw who it was until they reached the fence.

"Purple?" Red asked, his voice quivering a bit. This was call for concern.


	3. Chapter 3

Romance is a Battlefield

Chapter 3

Red couldn't believe his eyes as he saw his partner sitting on one of Zim's gnomes. He was almost terrified but didn't want to jump to any conclusions right away. "Purple, what are you doing here?"

Purple cleared his throat as he stood up. "Well, initially I was wondering when you were going to stop pulling the rug over my eyes."

Red blinked. "What are you talking about?"

"Well, you managed to get by me by saying that you had to go on a short mission. Well... I see your mission." He looked down at Zim. "And he is definitely short."

Red stepped forward and faced Purple. "Purple, please. Just give me a chance to explain."

Purple sighed. He leaned in close to Red and whispered, "I'm not as stupid as you think I am. One day you're talking about romance out of nowhere, and the next day, you're gone. You're here and with Zim. That explains a lot."

"Then why are you here?" Red asked, frowning a bit. "If you have this all figured out so well, then why and confront me? Why would you care if I might perhaps have affections for Zim?"

Purple glared at Red, but then looked past him at Zim. "Zim, as your Tallest, I highly suggest you go inside while Red and I talk."

Zim nodded and did as instructed and ran inside his base, though he pressed himself against his door, not wanting to miss the conversation.

Purple sighed. "Red, we have been partners since the Academy and you think I wouldn't care about something like this? Like... more than partners. We're friends. Something that is rare for people like us."

Red looked down, slightly defeated. "Yes... yes, I understand. I should've told you. But even you would feel ashamed if you had affections for someone like Zim. Not because he was banished, but because everyone thinks so badly of him. How would something like this affect my reputation?"

Purple nodded. "I understand, but..." He wrapped one of his arms around the back of Red's shoulder. "You can tell me anything, like the time when I told you that I drank that weird substance and profusely kissed a random irken. That's what we do."

Red chuckled. "I still don't know where that stuff came from." He looked up at Purple. "Well... I'm glad you understand. This whole thing seems just a bit less... weird."

"You never have to worry about me being too mad at you, Red. Besides... the thought of being with Zim isn't too terrible."

Red shook his head. "Yeah, I never guessed I would be in this position."

"Mmmhmm," Purple said as he walked forward and sat on the gnome again. He looked away, trying to look calm, but failing. "So, we can tell each other anything, right?"

"That is exactly what you just said five seconds ago," Red said.

"Then come here for a second," Purple said. "This is going to take a lot to admit."

Red nodded and sat on the gnome next to Purple. "Purple, you're starting to sound weird. What's up? You just went through a whole thing where I can tell you everything and you look all nervous."

"Well, I'm starting to understand what it's like to be in your shoes right now," Purple said. "But you're right. I'll just be out with it. I-..." He turned his head for a second. "I-" He cringed a little, turning his head even more. "What is that sound?"

Red's antennae perked up and the sound became evident and clear. It almost sounded like mild sobbing, but Red wasn't sure. "Is that… Zim? Hang on, you can tell me this in a second."

Red went past Purple and opened the door to Zim's base, only to find Zim sitting on the ground close to the door. He was making soft whimpers and was noticeably upset. "Z-zim is banished? And people think badly… of Zim?"

Red was shocked, but immediately remembered what he just said to Purple. He should've known that Zim would eavesdrop on their conversation. He was about to say something when Purple went past him. Red held him back with his arm. "Hey, just stay outside or at the door or something. I'm going to take this."

Purple sighed. "Fine, but you are interrupting what I wanted to say…"

Red nodded. "We'll deal with that later." He went forward and sat down next to Zim, watching as Purple left the base.

He looked at Zim and said, "We weren't talking literally about your banishment. We just meant…" Red thought for a moment. "... that you are so far away from the Irken empire that it is almost as if you are banished.

"O-oh," Zim said, calming down a bit. "But what about the rest of the irkens? Do they really think I'm bad?"

Red sighed. "Zim, irkens think badly of you because you demolished entire irken cities, along with the irken soldiers within those cities. That's something you would be proud of… if those cities were on an enemy planet."

Zim looked up at Red. "I thought it was impressive," he said lowly.

"It is impressive…" Red said. "Just, you know… bad. You still destroyed people and buildings of your own civilization." Red felt so strange trying to justify Zim's misdeeds. He still hated him for the mishap that brought Operation Impending Doom I to a grinding halt, but things were different. Operation Impending Doom II was so far a success, and here was Zim… trying so hard to impress him after all of the damage he had caused.

Zim stood up and waved his arms around a bit. "B-but, then I must earn the respect of the irken race again! Do they not know of my progress here on Earth." He placed a hand on his chin. "Maybe if I actually conquer Earth and destroy every last human. Then everyone will know Zim as the conqueror of Earth!"

Red chuckled. Zim was definitely not one of the most powerful irkens when it came to actually getting the job done, but Red definitely had a certain appreciation for Zim's enthusiasm. No other irken could even come close to it. "Yeah, and I'll be sure to throw you a big conquer party after you do it. No one will forget you after that." That was an exaggeration, but Red wanted to at least bring Zim's spirits up. Otherwise, a lot of pain and sorrow would ensue. "Just, you know… try to gain a little height, will ya? If Skoodge is still taller than you by the time you're done with this place, then we might have a problem."

"Oh, that'll be no problem, Red," Zim said as he stood up tall on the edge of his toes. "See, you can see how much taller Zim has gotten since he has left for Earth. I am now of considerable size."

Red looked down at Zim for a second. He clearly was no taller than he was at the Assigning. In fact, he debated whether or not Zim lost a bit of height, though he figured that was impossible. "Yeah, sure. _Much _taller," Red said with a sarcastic tone. "But we can worry about the logistics later."

"Oh, yes, Red. We need to worry more about blowing things up here on Earth first before we worry about height issues." Zim debated on how many mixtures and potions he can make that can enhance his height before his final destruction of Earth. He hoped for a lot.

Red nodded. "Mmhmm. Well, you figure that out and I need to finish a conversation with Purple."

"Yes, yes, Red. You take your time now."

Red left the base and found Purple leaning against the fence. There were now humans up and about, which forced him to put on a quick disguise. His green skin was apparent, but he had some kind of hood in order to cover his antennae and magenta eyes. Red grabbed a similar thing from his PAK so it wasn't so obvious. "So… you had something to tell me?"

"Yes, I did," Purple said. "And I'm not going to waste any more of your time and just be quick about it."

"Okay, about time," Red said, smiling.

"I like Zim, too."


	4. Chapter 4

Romance is a Battlefield

Chapter 4

Red simply stared at Purple for a moment, thinking about what he just said. As surprised as Red was, he knew that Purple was in the same boat as him. Having feelings for an irken, let alone an irken that was banished on a far-off planet, was tragically not allowed in irken society. Especially for a Tallest.

Though Red wondered why Purple so happened to have feelings for the same exact irken that he did. It was so strange. "You like Zim, too? When did this happen? You've managed to hide those feelings far better than I did with you."

"If you really want to hear the truth, it's been this way for a while," Purple said. "Well… not exactly a while, but it's been like this for longer than you, I assume. How do you think I found you out here so easily? I got paranoid and I searched on Earth, and somehow there is suddenly one more irken signature than usual."

"Really?" Red asked. "And I guess you were too afraid to tell me for the same reason that I was too afraid to tell you."

"Well, there's more to it than that," Purple said. "I think highly of what you think of me, Red. That's why it strongly hurts me to think that we are in this kind of predicament together."

"Well, what do you plan on doing?" Red asked. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know the answer, though. Either Purple turned around and basically put up no fight and gave up, or he would fight to be with Zim as well. Either way, Red would not be too happy with the outcome. Mainly because he, too, thought highly of what Purple thought of him.

"I don't know," Purple said. "To be honest, I never thought that I'd ever make it this far. Telling someone that I have feelings for Zim is one thing, actually telling it to him is another."

"Trust me, it wasn't easy admitting that," Red said. "And it's very strange to be out in the open about it. But… we've somehow connected on things. He let me blow up a human shopping center and we got to see the aftermath after everyone found out about our dirty work."

Purple couldn't help but chuckle. "That actually sounds pretty amazing. After sitting in a chair and simply throwing random irkens out of the ship simply because their taste in doughnuts differed from mine… I imagine it can get pretty boring easily."

"It does. I take all of the excitement that I can get," Red said, smiling at Purple. Though he watched as Purple's smile slowly faded and turned into a frown. Red knew that Purple was thinking about something based on his face. He knew it was nothing good. "What are you thinking about?"

Purple got brought back into reality and said, "Nothing. Nothing that will ever happen, anyways." He cleared his throat. "I think I'm going to go. You don't have to worry about me or anything like that. There's no way that I'd blab about you and Zim. I'd never do that to a friend."

"Wait, you're just going to drop a bomb like that and leave?" Red asked. "That doesn't sound like something you would do."

Purple sighed. "Red, on the battlefield, even after I know that we've lost, I like to imagine us fighting until we can't fight anymore. But we never do. And well… I think I've lost this battle, and I can't stand seeing either of us get hurt if I keep fighting."

"Well, when you put it that way, it sounds kind of sad," Red said, his antennae going down.

"Yeah, well…" and that was all that was needed. Purple turned around and boarded his ship, not even looking at Red as he turned on the engines and began slowly flying up into the sky.

Red slowly looked up, waving goodbye to his partner, though he knew that Purple wouldn't wave back to him. He felt so bad, even though that there was nothing that he could do about it. He was there first, and he wasn't prepared to give up his spot, even if it meant diminishing that little part of their friendship.

As soon as Red was sure that Purple was out of the Earth's atmosphere, Red turned around and returned to Zim's base and closed the door. He looked around and heard a small commotion coming from the kitchen. Red entered the kitchen and found Zim fighting with GIR over something silly.

The kitchen was a mess with what looked like a bunch of white goop. Red later found out that it was mashed potatoes that GIR made.

"You are going to clean this up _right now_, GIR. As if I thought I could ever trust you to get anything right."

GIR simply cocked his head to the side. "But master, I didn't do this. There was this _big _monkey and then it exploded on the stove and _all _of the mashed potatoes on the inside got everywhere. It sure is delicious though!"

"GIR, there was no big monkey in this kitchen. There never was! And even if there was, then the security system would've gotten it for sure."

"Actually it wouldn't have," Red said. "Purple got in here with no problem."

Zim looked at Red, his antennae falling. He felt embarrassed for not only having a faulty security system, but for also forgetting to put in an exception that allowed irkens to walk in and out safely. He was thankful that his Tallest didn't get shot at after walking onto his porch. "Oh."

"Seeeee, the big monkey is _real_," GIR insisted, robotic tongue out and everything. He looked particularly silly and it was bothering Red. "Can I go watch TV now?"

That was enough for Red and he could not take the idiot robot's antics any longer. He picked it up by its 'neck' and brought it up close to his face as he glared maliciously at it. "I spent three months in a SIR unit maintenance factory. The things I've learned to do to a SIR unit have been… so very helpful. You _will_ listen to your master and clean up this mess without question, otherwise I will demonstrate what I've learned on you."

GIR's expression remained fixed as it simply stared at Red as he went through his notion of anger. After he was finished, his expression remained as he said, "Okey-dokey."

Red let go of him and he dropped to the floor. He got back to his feet and went over to clean up his mess. Red then slowly dragged Zim out of the kitchen before looking down at him and saying, "I think I should apologize for that. Purple and I ran out of SIR units at the Great Assigning and we had to improvise." That was mostly true. Mostly.

"I _knew_ it!" Zim exclaimed. "But Zim forgives you."

"My only question is why haven't you either tried to fix him or gotten rid of him," Red said. "You've requested for several different battle tanks and things like that, but you've stuck with the same stupid piece of metal scraps."

Zim shrugged his shoulders as he went over to the couch. "Mmmm, perhaps an invader gets a connection with their SIR unit. And GIR isn't _entirely_ useless. He _does_ make delicious muffins, but perhaps he is due for some upgrades."

"Mmhmm," Red said as he sat down next to Zim. "Sure, I'll believe that." He didn't.

"Anyways, where did Tallest Purple go? He was here only a moment."

"He had to return to the Massive," Red said. "He needed to personally tell me some… private Tallest business."

"Ah, yes, I see," Zim said. "It's a shame, too. And I assume you'll have to return to your Tallest duties as well."

Red thought about it, but he knew that Zim was right. He honestly didn't want to go back to the Massive where everything was dull and he considered many of the irkens to be incredibly inferior to him. It also meant that Red had to face Purple again so soon… and he would have to work with him as well. That would not end well for either of them. "I guess you're right. I actually should probably leave tonight. I don't know if Purple will be able to handle all of the chaos on the Massive without me. Especially now that there are far more missions being performed."

Zim nodded. "Zim understands. Perhaps I can give you something for your travels. After GIR is finished cleaning the kitchen, I can make some of your favorite doughnuts. I have a new recipe." He gave Red a silly grin.

Red couldn't help but chuckle a little. Zim was such an anomaly of emotions and personalities, which is probably why he appreciated him so much. Silly and stupid at one moment, powerful irken invader in the next moment. No one could exactly compare.

Which made Red feel even worse for leaving Zim out on Earth. He poured out his feelings to him, then a couple of days later, leave him out on a planet that he isn't truly assigned to. Red would essentially just be banishing him again.

But then an idea flashed into Red's mind. He didn't know if it would blow up in his face or not, but if Red was anything, he was spontaneous. He wanted to see what would happen. "Zim, how would you feel about briefly abandoning your assignment on Earth and accompanying me on the Massive?"

Zim turned to Red and gave him a strange look. "Hm? Zim give up his mission? But what about the Earth?"

"Zim, you have been here for a long time, and you haven't made a bunch of progress outside of attacking this city," Red said. "Perhaps you can just take a break from all of that and try something different." He thought for a moment. "Maybe act as an adviser for Purple and I." He bit his tongue right after he said that. Red knew that he was going to pay for saying that, and would have to give Zim a different assignment. There was no way that he could have someone like Zim as a personal adviser.

Zim raised his hand and waved the thought off. "You are right. Maybe I can take a break from this puny little planet. It'll give the Dib-human the idea that Zim has given up, then I'll return undetected and create destruction that he'll never suspect." Zim let out his traditional evil laugh.

"Yes, yes, yes. Unsuspecting destruction. A good tactic." Red cleared his throat. "Anyways, we can spend the rest of the night fortifying your base's defenses so that no one can sneak in while you're away for so long." Red stood up and faced the couch.

Zim hopped off as well and flicked his hand out. "No disrespect, Red, but Zim's defenses are top-of-the-line technology. It would take even Dib several years to ever break through it."

"Really, now?" Red asked. "Computer, give me a set of details on this base's current defense mechanisms."

There was a slight pause, and then the computer finally responded.

_Current online defense mechanisms: six turrets on the outside, only slightly functional, only one of which contains a total of two bullets. Alarm systems online._

"That's it?" Red asked. "Zim, that would keep one person out for about ten seconds, and then they'd be in your base and exploit all of the irken secrets. How have you managed this long?"

Zim's antennae went down. He was clearly embarrassed again. "Eh… Zim thought that there were more functional defenses. They must've been burnt out recently."

Red sighed, but gave Zim the benefit of the doubt. "Don't worry about it, then. We'll work on your defenses together. Just try not to say too much while we're working. Purple has a tendency to do that sometimes, and it's distracting."

Zim's antennae shot up again as he smiled. "Yes, Red. I wouldn't want my base to be infiltrated while I'm away on the Massive. Thank you graciously for offering your help." Zim then eagerly walked over to the elevator and waited for Red to join him.

He eventually did and looked down at Zim. He picked him up with both hands and affectionately bumped their heads together before putting him back on the ground. "You're welcome," he said before the elevator slowly went down to the basement. They were ready to get working.

Zim and Red spent the next few hours fortifying Zim's base. Although Red created most of the defenses, Zim actually surprised him with some of his creative ideas. He showed Red his various force fields throughout the base and some of the sentient beings that he kept around the house. Red used them to his advantage, mostly as a scare tactic. Anyone caught face-to-face with a giant squid monster would probably run for the high hills.

"What's with the giant furry thing in the corner?" Red asked, pointing to a giant stuffed ape on the other end of Zim's lab.

"Oh, that's GIR's. He likes it so I just keep it around so that he can leave me alone while I'm working," Zim said. "It doesn't serve very much purpose other than that."

"We'll just use it for more scare tactics," Red said. "It doesn't hurt to have it around." He cleared his throat and took one last diagnostic of the base's defenses before turning his head towards Zim. "Well, I think that's just about everything. A bunch of force fields, turrets, and a giant squid monster. I don't think we'll need anything else."

"I think otherwise since Dib is such a devious mastermind," Zim said. There was no way that he would admit that to anyone else. "But with your advanced mind on defense mechanisms, I think we'll actually be able to leave this here for quite some time before any human would be able to penetrate even the least bit of defenses."

"That's what I'm hoping for," Red said. He looked up at the clock and saw that it read 10:14. He thought about it for a moment, and realized that it was late on Earth. It was probably dark. He turned back to Zim and said, "Well, I guess I'll you a choice since I don't really care either way. We can spend the night here and leave early in the morning, or we can leave now."

Zim thought for a moment, "Hmm, I think Zim would prefer to leave now. No point in waiting for the inevitable."

"I agree," Red said in return. "Get whatever things you'll need. Don't worry about uniforms. I'll make sure you get a fresh load of them when we return to the Massive."

"Oh yes, Red," Zim said. "Let me just gather some necessary items and we'll be on our way."

Red nodded and Zim eagerly scampered off to grab some technology from his room. He knew that he would be able to get some things from the Massive, but he just wanted to make sure that he was prepared for anything to change. So he got a proper disguise maker and a few personal defense weapons in case they got attacked.

Once he was done doing that, he returned to Red who was waiting for him in the living room.

"Ready?" Red asked.

Zim nodded, placing a small bag over his shoulder. "Mmhmm."

"Good, let's go," Red said.

As he followed Red, Zim looked back at his base. It was interesting to know that he was going to be leaving it for a while. He had been on that base for a couple of years, which was much longer than the average irken year. Zim felt like he, in a way, was connected to that base and the surrounding environment. He wasn't prepared to admit it, but he was going to miss Earth while he was away.

Red uncloaked his Voot Cruiser as he stepped in and looked back at Zim, who was staring at the house. "Are you coming or what?"

Zim nodded and entered the small cockpit of the Voot Cruiser and found a comfortable place to sit while also giving Red enough personal space. Ironically, Zim didn't want to be too invasive.

Red started up the engines and re-engaged the cloaking devices so that they didn't raise any suspicions as they left the atmosphere. Red slowly lifted up the ship and then put it on autopilot towards the Massive. "You're going to miss this place, aren't you?"

Zim quickly looked at Red and blinked. "Why do you ask that so suddenly?"

"I can just see it in your eyes as you looked back at your base," Red said.

Zim took in a deep breath as he looked down at the house as it got smaller and smaller. "When you live somewhere for a very long time, it is sometimes difficult to leave it. You become accustomed to the type of lifestyle." He looked at Red. "I wonder if other invaders feel the same way about their assigned planets."

"I've heard a few reports like that," Red said. "I always tell them that it isn't smart to get overly-attached to their planets or their inhabitants. There's nothing worse than getting used to doing something for a long time then having to be a part of its destruction." He cleared his throat. "You might run into former Invader Lik while you're on the Massive. He still has bouts of crying after destroying Milen. He was reassigned to be a service drone since he couldn't take being a soldier anymore."

Zim blinked as he watched the Earth fade away from view as they went into the deeper part of space. "Zim doesn't want to be like that."

"You won't, don't worry," Red said. 


	5. Chapter 5

Romance is a Battlefield

Chapter 5

For most of the flight, Red and Zim remained in silence as they let the ship go in auto-pilot. Occasionally, Zim would let out a cough, which would catch Red's attention, but nothing much happened in the several minutes.

"What's on your mind?" Red finally asked. He was okay with silence more than anyone else, but he didn't want Zim to be brooding on something. He knew that that would amount to a lot of drama if Zim was withholding some kind of emotion. Especially since Red was so used to Zim talking so much.

"Zim wonders what it will be like to return to the Massive," he finally said. "I have not accomplished much since I've left, and you did say that I was referred to as… annoying by the other irkens. I guess things are a lot more different than I thought they would be."

"You're overthinking it, Zim," Red said, returning his gaze back to the front of the Voot cruiser, looking out into space. "Things are going to be different now that it has been a while since you left, but you'll get used to it. And not _everyone_ thinks you're annoying." That was a lie.

"Why do they think I am annoying?" Zim asked, blinking. "Zim is… amazing. Everything that every irken wants to be! Destructive and powerful. Passionate."

"Don't you think that could be the reason why irkens think you're annoying?" Red asked. "You're over-bearing. You like to show off how destructive and powerful you are, even though there are some weaker irkens who come back shaken, or don't leave their planets at all. Remember the story I just told you about Invader Lik."

"I am _nothing_ like Invader Lik," Zim exclaimed, almost sounding insulted that Red would even suggest such a thing. "Zim doesn't grow attached to any planet except for Irk."

"Then you should be just fine," Red said. "Just don't be too standoffish and please keep what we are doing under wraps." He sighed. "I'm certain you know what we are doing together is a bit… wrong."

"If not illegal," Zim said in a soft voice, almost to the point of Red not hearing him. "I will keep my mouth shut, Red. As an invader, I know how to keep a secret very well."

"That's what I figured," Red said, though he didn't initially trust Zim. However, he was already stuck in this mess since they were so close to the Massive, so there was no point in turning back. "You're just taking a brief hiatus from your assignment. When this visit is over, then you can return and do as much destruction as you want."

"Yes, my Tallest," Zim said. He knew he should've said Red, but it just came out. He was so used to following orders from a leader that he didn't realize that he actually had some kind of boyfriend. He didn't like to think that way, though. Being in a romantic relationship was taboo, after all. "I mean-… yes, Red."

"No, you were right the first time," Red said. "Let's stick with the formalities. I can't have you calling me by name when all of the irkens are calling me by 'My Tallest'." He cleared his throat. "Besides, I missed the term for a little bit. I like to feel dignified, even around you."

"Oh yes, my Tallest," Zim said, smiling. "Very dignified. You make Zim honored to be close with you."

"And you should be," Red said, chuckling a bit. He returned Zim's smile before looking back at the space in front of him.

They could see the Massive directly in front of them. Zim was noticeably nervous, even though he tried his best to hide it. Red sensed this and wondered if Zim would be able to keep it together. But he then thought back to Operation Impending Doom I and how Zim managed things even under the highest of pressure. He had no doubt that he would be able to do the same again.

As they inched closer to the Massive, Red got a transmission. He answered it.

"My Tallest, welcome back to the Massive," a deep male voice said. Most likely one of the elites that led the shuttle bays. "I hope that your travels were well." There was a slight pause, but then he continued. "Though, do not be alarmed, but I am detecting a second lifeform on the ship with you. If I recall, you left the Massive alone."

"I have brought back a guest," Red said. "You will see him in a moment when I dock. Now, Elite… I suggest when you see him come out of my ship, you do not make any negative comments about our… guest. Are we clear?"

There was another pause. Red could tell that the guard was thinking. "Uh… yes, of course, my Tallest. Whoever it is with you, we will welcome them with good intentions."

"Thank you," Red said. He ended the transmission before turning back to Zim. "Ready?"

Zim nodded his head, continuing to look at the Massive in front of him. Red expected him to continue to be nervous, but it looked like he was more determined. Zim wanted to go home back to where he belonged. He had been on Earth for far too long and things have clearly changed since he had left.

"I'll take you to the bridge and make an announcement about your arrival," Red said. "I was serious about some irkens thinking that you're a bit… annoying." He was beginning to hate that word, and so was Zim. "But I'll tell them to respect you."

"I appreciate that," Zim said in a low voice. "But Zim thinks that he should create his own reputation rather than relying on his Tallest to force them to do it." He cleared his throat, quickly looking up at Red. "No disrespect, my Tallest. I didn't mean anything by it. But if many irkens think that I am annoying and want to avoid me, then I'm just going to have to change their mind. Zim is a supreme irken invader, but that doesn't mean I should be… different than everyone else. Zim wants to be thought highly of, not avoided."

"That's probably the most mature thing I've ever heard from you," Red said. "I'd rather just tell them to not mock you, or else they get thrown out into space. It's more fun that way. But… if you'd rather tell them yourself that you are different and are willing to improve your own rapport… then I guess I won't stop you. Just don't do anything stupid, alright? I could easily send you back to Foodcourtia."

Zim shuddered a little as he thought about Foodcourtia and Sizz-Lorr. So much pain. "Please don't do that, my Tallest."

Red chuckled a little. "I won't, but someone else might, so use your better judgement so you don't piss anyone off."

Zim remained silent.

Red flew his Voot Cruiser into the shuttle bay. It was briefly inspected by a few irken engineers for any damages before giving Red the okay to exit. He opened up the pod and stepped out with Zim right behind him.

An irken elite, whose height was between Zim's and Red's, swiftly approached them and saluted to Red. "Welcome back, my Tallest. I hope your travels went well."

"They did," Red said. He referred his hand over to Zim and said, "You remember Zim, right?"

The elite gulped. He had heard from one of his personal coworkers about the precautions to treat their guest with respect. He just had no idea that it would be the famous banished invader: Zim. "Uh… yes, of course, my Tallest. It's a pleasure to see you, Invader Zim." He paused for a moment. "I hope your mission on Earth has been successful so far."

Zim proudly stood up straight and smiled. "Yes, Elite. The filthy humans have no idea of the pain that they will be inflicted with when I return."

"I'm sure," he said, a hint of sarcasm to his voice. He turned back to Red and said, "My Tallest, Tallest Purple is currently on the bridge. Would you like me to escort you there?"

Red shook his head. "It's my own blasted ship, I should be able to find my way around without getting lost." He cleared his throat. "Come on, Zim. Let's go."

"Yes, my Tallest," Zim said as he went to Red's side and walked alongside him out of the shuttle bay. Though, he turned back once right before he left. He got strange looks from the engineers and the elites as the both of them left. Zim expected this, but he was wondering why it was so bad for him. He felt that his welcome would be far more… welcoming.

Red led him over to the bridge, passing by several irkens in the process. Each one had the same reaction. They welcomed Red back to the Massive, but then they would give an odd stare to Zim, curious as to why he would be returning so soon.

Zim, in retaliation, eventually snapped at one of the irkens, giving him an angry look to show that he was fed-up with the bad treatment that he was getting.

Red looked back at Zim and dragged him away from the irken, who was a bit shaken by Zim. "I told you that it was going to be this way, Zim. You've built up bad a rapport after your affiliation with Operation Impending Doom I and the destruction of many facilities and homes. Irkens are just going to give you problems until you build up their trust again."

"It's just so frustrating," Zim said, crossing his arms. "I've only been here a few moments, and I haven't seen a single irken who is willing to give me a bit of respect for what I've actually done."

Red knew that was his fault. A whole year of laughing and putting him down was definitely resonating with the rest of his crew. But he was of course not going to admit that. "I can still force them to treat you with respect, Zim. You just have to stop being stubborn and accept the offer. Otherwise, I'll be more than happy to just ignore it."

"No, no… I'll fix this myself," Zim said. "Zim is confident that he will be one of the greatest irkens on this ship by the time that I am gone." He paused for a moment. "A great irken below you of course, my Tallest. I'll be able to prove my worth that way."

Red smiled. "You've already proven your worth to me, Zim. At least so far you have." They walked all the way down to the bridge and entered. Everything was the same and everyone was firmly working to keep everything running smoothly. Red stepped to the top of the bridge and went over to where Purple was sitting. He gestured for Zim to step back a bit. Zim did so. "I think we need to talk."

Purple turned his head back to Red, surprised that he was back so soon. He was clearly still upset with him, and of course upset with himself, but he had to suck it up for a moment. "What do you need to talk about?"

Red stepped to the side so that he could get a clean view of Zim, who was looking intently at one of the service drones who was handing out a huge bag of cupcakes. "I think you know the answer to that question."

Purple quickly stepped up and floated over to Red. "Oh, yeah. We _do_ have a lot to talk about." He grimaced at Red. "Right now. In private."

Red nodded. "Zim, Purple and I are going to talk in private for a moment. Please don't blow anything up while we're gone. And don't hurt any of my crewmembers… I need them. Though, feel free to smack them if they act all high and mighty around you. They tend to do that…"

Zim nodded. "Yes, my Tallest."

Red went over to the back room and Purple followed closely behind him. They entered and shut the door behind themselves. Red turned on the lights and noticed Purple's glare more vividly. He sighed.

"Is this really necessary, Red?" Purple asked, keeping his arms crossed. "After the discussion that we had, you thought that it was just okay to bring Zim back to the Massive? Do you realize how unbelievably stupid of a plan that is?"

Red gestured for Purple to calm down with his hands. "I don't have the details planned out, but we could easily have Zim here without irkens figuring out what is actually going on. And plus, he could attempt to get a better reputation while he's on the ship."

"Or better yet, a worse one," Purple said, rolling his eyes.

"Have a little bit of faith, okay?" Red asked. "Besides, don't you think he at least deserves some kind of second chance?"

Purple's jaw sunk. "Of course not!"

Red groaned. "I thought you liked him, Purple. What, now that you know that you won't get him from me, you suddenly thinks that he should get the cold shoulder?"

Purple growled. "You don't get it, Red. I do like Zim, in the sense that we had developed something in the Academy, and I like his sense of destruction and wit. That's not going to change. But the fact of the matter is that we're Tallest, and we have a duty to make sure that banished irkens stay banished."

Red shook his head. "You don't really believe that. If you were in my shoes, then you wouldn't be saying that. Besides, I'm already doing something bad by courting with him. What's the issue?"

"The issue is that you brought the plague with you," Purple said. "And you didn't bother even telling me about it to see how I felt. Some partner you are. You don't even care what I think anymore, do you?"

"Of course I do, Purple," Red said. "But I had to make a choice. I either leave him for good, just allowing our little "courtship" be some experiment that I tried and failed; constantly go back and forth between the Massive and Earth; or bring him here. I didn't want Option 1, Option 2 would be impossible, so I was left with one decision. It's as simple as that."

Purple's glare didn't let up. "Well… you better hope that you made the right decision. Because right now… it's wrong to me."

"Purple, come on."

Purple raised his hand to silence Red. "Don't talk to me until you're thinking clearly," Purple said, leaving the back room.


	6. Chapter 6

Romance is a Battlefield - Chapter 6

Red simply lied in bed, staring up at the ceiling as many different thoughts went through his head. It had been about 24 hours since his fight with Purple and they were still not speaking to each other. Red just wanted things to be better between the two of them, but Purple was far to stubborn to simply talk things through.

"I think I should leave," Zim said in a hushed tone.

Red slowly raised himself up. He looked at the shorter irken who was sitting at the edge of Red's bed. He spent the night in the adjacent bed, though neither of them did much sleeping. "You leaving won't make anything better. You know that."

"Yes, but... Zim wants to make sure that his Tallest is happy, and he doesn't seem very happy without his friend at his side." Zim inched a bit closer to him. "You won't even tell me why you two aren't talking... I can only guess it's because I'm here."

"It does involve you, Zim," Red said, sighing. He sat up a bit more. "But like I said, nothing will change if you leave. I'm going to still feel the same way and Purple is still going to be mad at me. End of story."

"Then give me some way to fix it," Zim said. "Zim is good with diplomacy. I can make this work!"

"I really don't want you getting involved," Red said. "Just... you being here is all that I need right now. You don't have to fix anything, alright?" He slowly slid out of bed. "I don't want you fixing anything." He sighed. "I'm going to go to the mess hall to get a few snacks. Do you want anything?"

Zim looked away, feeling a bit disappointed that he wasn't able to serve. "Just a muffin, please."

"Coming right up," Red said, though there was a sense of apathy in his voice. He slowly exited his quarters, leaving Zim in the large room.

Zim took a look around the room, seeing how royal it was. Definitely what a Tallest would need. The color red coated the walls and the bed coverings. Red was no doubt comfortable. Zim walked over to an end table where a holographic clock and a framed photo rested. Zim picked it up and stared at it. It was a picture of Red and Purple standing right outside of the Massive. They still had bandages on their hands where their thumbs used to be. Their thumbs must've been cut off recently... probably shortly after the inauguration.

"They're best friends," Zim whispered to himself. He didn't have too many of those growing up. He hung out with Skoodge a lot, but he didn't thinking highly enough of Skoodge to consider him to be a 'best friend'. Zim put down the picture and slowly exited the room. He looked both ways in the hallway before turning right and going down to the other end where he saw the room that he was looking for.

Directly to the right of the door was a gold plaque that stated in black letters: 'Almighty Tallest Purple'. Zim cringed, his innards feeling a bit strange. He raised his hand to knock on the door, but immediately retracted it when he noticed it open. "My Tallest! Pleasant morning that we're having. The birds... are, eh, chirping. Um... how are you?"

Purple simply blinked, looking down at the short invader. "It's... past midday on the Massive, Zim, and there are no birds here. What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I just wanted to... show my gratitude for allowing me to be here on your fine ship, my Tallest!" Zim exclaimed, clacking his fingers together a few times. "It's such a rare opportunity to be able to join you on such a fantastic ship."

Purple felt like he could see right through Zim's words, but didn't want to say anything. He already had enough tension with Red. "Riiight. Well, you're welcome, I guess. I'll be going now. There's pie at the mess hall." He allowed the door to close behind him and began walking down the hall.

"Ooooh, pie," Zim said, running after Purple. "I do enjoy it. Do you mind if I join you, my Tallest? I am pretty hungry."

Purple looked back at Zim, giving him a strange look. "Zim, what do you want? You haven't bugged me this much until now."

"Oh, Zim doesn't need anything my Tallest," Zim said. "I simply... enjoy your company, of course!"

Purple stopped in his tracks, completely halting Zim's movement. "This is about Red, isn't it? He sent you to talk to me instead of doing it himself."

"My Tallest, that is not it at all," Zim said. "I came on my own. Red had nothing to do with this." Zim waited a moment, noticing how upset Purple looked. "Are you... angry with Red?"

Purple crossed his arms and looked away from Zim. "I don't see how that can be any of your business."

"It is my business," Zim said, feeling a bit of strength welling up inside of him. "Red is my bo-... he and I are friends from the Academy if you may recall. We have that -special- bond." Zim rubbed the back of his head, almost revealing his 'secret'. "I, uh... was just curious why you two are not talking to each other. He thinks highly of you."

Purple rolled his eyes. "That's a load of dung," he muttered silently under his breath. He looked back at Zim. "You really want to know why I'm so upset at Red?"

"Oh yes, very much my Tallest," Zim said, putting his hands together and grinning.

He looked down the hallway, then began going back the way he came. "Come with me," he said in a low, serious voice.

Zim turned around, wondering why they were no longer going to the mess hall. He scampered after Purple, making sure to keep a small distance behind him. They returned to Purple's room and Zim followed him inside. He felt a little uncomfortable being in the Tallest's room. It wasn't anything like being in Red's room.

Purple sat on his bed, covered in purple and black sheets in order to match Purple's eyes. He simply sat there for several moments and stared at Zim in complete silence.

Zim tried to avoid Purple's gaze as he looked down to the floor. Every moment that Zim stayed in the silence made him more and more uncomfortable.

Purple finally shifted himself a bit and said, "I thought you had a mission on Earth to complete."

"It is, eh... on a short hiatus, my Tallest," Zim said, trying to keep to the truth as much as possible.

"It wouldn't happen to be because Red asked you to leave your mission, would it?" Purple hissed, trying to get the full story.

"E-eh," Zim stuttered. "Well... Zim didn't completely come all on his own."

"Don't you think it's a little selfish for Red to just take you away from your mission? You have important things to do there. Away from this ship." Purple glared at Zim, though he wasn't truly angry with him.

"Like I said, my Tallest, I will return promptly back to my mission as soon as my time with Tallest Red is finished. I wouldn't want to leave my work incomplete."

"And tell me. What are you and Red doing?" Purple already knew, but he wanted to hear it from Zim.

Zim stuttered, keeping his gaze away from Purple's. He knew that saying anything would get both himself and Red in trouble. His breath quickened as he let out a nearly silent squeal. "May I be excused, my Tallest? I have important business to attend to."

Purple stared at Zim. He figured that he was going about this interrogation wrong, so he loosened his glare on Zim. "Zim, there won't be any consequences for saying anything," Purple said with a calmer tone. He pointed to a chair that was next to Zim. "Why don't you sit down?"

Zim gulped, a bit nervous, but he didn't want to go against his Tallest. "Yes, my Tallest." He took the chair that Purple offered him and sat down. It took him several moments, but Zim finally lifted his gaze from the ground and met Purple's eyes. He took a deep breath and said, "Me and Tallest Red are in a form of... experimental courtship, my Tallest."

Purple stared at Zim for a moment. He didn't know if it made him angrier to hear it from Zim or from Red. "Right. And how do you feel about that? I mean, if Red forced you to be in this courtship, then you'd feel uncomfortable, right? You would rather be with someone that was more... suited for you."

Zim was confused. He turned his head and looked out Purple's window, taking in the many stars that were passing by outside. 'Why is Purple so calm about something as big and illegal as this?' Zim thought to himself. He thought for the next couple of moments, making Purple inpatient, but he eventually connected the dots.

Purple already knew about the courtship.

"Eh-," Zim muttered with a breathy tone. He continued looking at the window as he said, "I don't feel uncomfortable with Red, my Tallest. As I said, Red and I were very good friends in the Academy. It was only inevitable that if I were to... do something with the realms of say, romance, then I guess I'd do that with him." Zim became increasingly uncomfortable, now beginning to realize the issues of courting, especially with a Tallest.

"Weren't we friends in the Academy?" Purple asked, though the answer was ambiguous to him. He didn't spend nearly as much time with Zim as Red did. Purple actually regretted it.

"Of course, my Tallest!" Zim exclaimed impulsively. "You and I were great friends. Are great friends!" Zim's eyes darted towards the door, almost tempted to run out.

"Then why are you with Red?" Purple asked, quickly standing up. "He's stuck-up and only thinks about himself and what's good for him. That's not good for you."

"I don't see him that way," Zim said, standing up as well. "Why are you asking me these questions?"

"Don't question a Tallest!" Purple said angrily, pressing his head close to Zim's. "Don't ask me why I'm asking you questions! Just answer them."

"I must go, my Tallest," Zim said. "I... I have a mission to return to. Urgently." Zim ran for the door and opened it.

Purple hissed. "Yeah, go. Get off of this ship. Right now. If you're not off by tonight, you can believe that you'll be spending time in the brig, you lusty traitor!"

Zim's eyes widened as he turned back to Purple. He ran forward, but bumped into someone who was standing directly outside of the door. Zim was shocked, hoping that it was no one important. When he looked up, he saw that it was Red standing there.

Red was glaring at Purple and crossed his arms. "This is a low for you," Red said. "I know that I messed up and I should've made some better decisions, but this really is a low for you, Purple. You'll not be telling Zim what to do, and you won't be throwing him into the brig. If anything, you should be spending time in the brig yourself."

Red grabbed Zim's and dragged him outside, closing the door behind him. Red let go of Zim's hand and began furiously walking down the hall back to his quarters. Curses were heard from inside of Purple's room. "You should've stayed in my quarters."

"B-but... my Tallest!" Zim exclaimed, running after Red. "I-I mean... Red. He knows and... I think he knew this whole time."

Red entered his quarters and waited for Zim to come in as well before closing the door. "Yeah, I already knew that, Zim. I can't keep a secret like that from my partner. I thought that he would be a bit more understanding of my situation, but he just won't."

"This could be very bad! You could get arrested, right?" Zim groaned, balling his hands into fists. "Maybe I can make him understand," Zim said. "I got him to calm down earlier. He just needs to know what we're actually doing and then there's no more problem. I know how to negotiate!"

"Zim, like I said earlier, there is nothing you can do to help," Red said, sitting on his bed. He lied down, staring up to his ceiling. "The only thing that you can possibly do right now is stay here. And stay away from Purple. He's just... he's just not Purple right now."

Zim growled. "But!" He lunged himself around for a bit, but finally let out a large sigh as he gave up his rant. Zim crawled onto Red's bed and kneeled down next to Red's head. "Fine, I'll stay here. I'll even be willing to spend the night in the brig if you need me to. I am here for you, my Tallest."

Red reached up and brushed back Zim's right antenna. "Thank you. And no, you will not be spending the night in the brig. If Purple ever comes in here and tries to take you away, just contact me, okay? I'll be sure to slap him in the face."

Zim let out a small chuckle, though he did feel a bit somber about the whole situation. "Okay, Red." 


End file.
